From your correction I can understand that your have strong professional background in the field I am applying. Many of your opinions help me shape my article into a more precise and concise one. Also, I appreciate your finishing the work before the deadline. Some tiny clerical errors have influenced my valuation on your work, such as the double "to" in the first sentence of the third paragraph and the inconsistency of the period's relative position with the double quotation marks (in the second sentence of the fourth paragraph the period is outside the double quotation marks, while in the second sentence of the fifth paragraph the period is inside the double quotation marks). In all, thanks for your elaborate work and I wish this article would help me step towards a higher position of my life.
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对本人个人陈述的修改较为符合本人的期望以及申请学校的要求，目标文章的语言风格亦符合理工科学生申请的需要。由于对申请文书的撰写并不熟悉，本人暂且保留对文章中一些修改意见的评价，待到申请结果出来再做评述。
From your correction I can understand that your have strong professional background in the field I am applying. Many of your opinions help me shape my article into a more precise and concise one. Also, I appreciate your finishing the work before the deadline. Some tiny clerical errors have influenced my valuation on your work, such as the double "to" in the first sentence of the third paragraph and the inconsistency of the period's relative position with the double quotation marks (in the second sentence of the fourth paragraph the period is outside the double quotation marks, while in the second sentence of the fifth paragraph the period is inside the double quotation marks). In all, thanks for your elaborate work and I wish this article would help me step towards a higher position of my life.